#207 Why
Hi my charming sting rays. Happy Thursday.
I’m afraid these newsletters have become a wee bit unplanned. We are riffing here, friends. There’s not much tangible news this week in these corners and I love a minute of calm before the next storm. Did you notice I began a theme with the 5 W’s of basic information gathering and problem solving? This week I’m feeling like I’m not sure how I walked myself into this trap- I saw a pattern, then an opportunity, so I proceeded to chase it down with little thought about the actual direction it was taking me and said RUN BITCH RUN!
But here we are, in need of a why, so I have a deep dive into some feelings for you today. I apologize in advance for overuse of the words “authentic” and “vibes,” but this is the time we live in, so bear with me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the way people make me feel. Which is a nice change of perspective because I’ve spent so much mfing time thinking about how I make other people feel. As I’m sure, Reader, you have as well. But it goes back to seeking what it means to be authentic and listening to your gut enough to let it tell you. Maybe sustainable authenticity is just the feeling of comfort in your gut? And moving through the world, I find there are people who it is just easier to be your authentic self with. People who make you feel at ease (soldier) versus others who it takes a little more effort to find a shared wavelength with. For example, it’s easy to be authentic with kids because they haven’t learned quite as much shame yet and even though they can be mean, it doesn’t feel as judgmental. Some people exhaust me with their naive positivity, while others make me want to create friction, you get what I’m saying?
It obviously depends on the situation, but right now I’m talking about work.
Having been in LA, the land of make believe, for a little over two years now, I’ve started differentiating what’s produced and what’s perceived. It’s a really telling thing, the people a grown-ass adult keeps around. You can take a hot picture with a bunch of hot folks and say you are besties, but the energy in the room can be devastating. I’m not here to judge what flavor of ambition anyone likes (maybe a little) but I prefer warm laughter and in a work setting- lots of noise. In terms of industry, it seems like the game is to produce a sure bet which keeps perception within your control, leading to consistent cash flow- idk please send book recommendations. But in terms of my personal goal of pursuing comfort and ~good vibes~ (plus financial stability), I’m seeing the difference between what’s put on and what’s the part where you simply enjoy each others company enough to show up to work the next day. As much as I live for the extravagant fantasies and flirts, it’s the in-between manageable interactions that confront our day-to-day that are most comfortable for me. The flirt is an adventure, I’m a Sagittarius, come on. But the why, the nice comfortable gut, the sustainable energy- those are the people I meet, regardless of what the fuck else is going on, who give me slightly more positive than negative reactions when asking where the production office is or who meet my chuckle after I turn a corner too quickly and kindly let me know if it’s time to piss off or come closer. Those are the people I’m trying to stick it out with. Even when my brain is anxiously spiraling, I’m grateful that my gut leads me to who I feel safe with. That’s the thing about vibes, they are hard to quantify and tend to sharpen as they simmer. The people a grown-ass adult keeps around tells you a lot about their priorities.
Now that I’m back to my physical labor lifestyle, I’m realizing I love a job where truly 80% of it is just showing up. I guess I like interacting with people. I love to feed off their energies and suck them dry like some fucking bone marrow feast. Half kidding, but people like to do it back and that’s what we call synthesis! For me, comfortable authenticity with other human beings is when I feel my weird intensity met with equally as wild of ideas, that somehow simultaneously protect our egos and are also completely doable? I’m beginning to realize I find these relationships most in production. Probably because it’s all different kinds of people who all like to get our hands dirty and we are all too physically exhausted to point blame unnecessarily, so we’ve learned to just do the job and find a vibe.
Thanks for reading! This is once again, me sifting through an existential crisis about what the fuck I’m doing with my life, since we haven’t done that much recently. Why? Because writing this here helps me figure it out, and hopefully it makes a little sense to you too.
The next newsletter is coming out in three weeks (Sept 28) because did you hear, the Hot Weirdos are coming out to play on the 22nd!! And I had a nightmare last night about being unprepared for the stage performance so I’m going to focus on that and write to y’all about it afterwards. :)
Sending lots of love and ass shaking and letting your body tell you what’s good your way.
Wish me luck on my big stage debut.
This is the tightest virtual hug you have ever received!!
Kirsi
(a mostly misc production)