the finale: Buzz Buzz
cheers to boyhood
I shaved my head.
It feels good.
Do I look like I’m going to f u c k i n g kill you?
I’ve wanted to shave my head since college, but never found the opportune time (or the balls) to do it. But now feels like the perfect time, right? Let me walk you through my decision making so as to ease you and I into this and reassure you that though change is scary because it calls a person a liar, a fake, and a fraud,
this is my comfort zone. The two main arguments for this change are:
Gender Exploration & Fashion
Oh where to begin!
Let’s start with the more divisive topic, gender:
Listen, I may be big-boned but I’m very sensitive! I come off as a large physical presence, a body that can protect other smaller bodies, and really the only way I know this is because people regularly step really close up on me. I’m not talking in crowds or bars, that’s part of the gig. I’m talking in wide open public spaces like Target, when there is plenty of other space and we could all happily be verbally communicating instead. The perpetrators of this violation tend to be small bodied people of all ages. I get it I suppose, with this pretty face and broad shoulders I’m a relatively non-threatening person to attach oneself to and people are scared in these big box store streets! But it’s also super frustrating to me, the owner of this body, because
a) I don’t know you. Hop off.
b) You don’t know me. Often the vibe isn’t even sexual, but personally, I really appreciate any sort of intro line over the immediate blurring of physical boundaries.
c) historically speaking (and completely generalizing), this is how men are treated. They are the protectors of “their” women: they are the ones who created and held those physical boundaries for women in regards to the outside world. So it’s weird to be put back into this turned around heteronormative narrative, out of my own control. Maybe that’s another reason why I’ve resisted the boyish look for so long. With long hair representing my attachment to femininity, I’ve been sort of forced into this in-between: unable to fully occupy the space I take up because ~I’m a cute little nice Jane!!!~ while the real little Mary Janes are aggressively screaming at me PAPA, BIG PAPI.
d) I’m not trying to pull at Target.
I want to make clear that this is not me rejecting or disparaging femininity. The divine feminine is what I pray to! I guess I’m just realizing that I would like the devoted femininity that also lives within me to be more private than the neighboring masculinity that I’m finding is easier to wheel and deal in. (pst pst, it’s dealing time)
I know shaving my head isn’t going to telepathically establish those physical boundaries between strangers and me. But I could bet it’s made me a little scarier. A little less of an easy target. I’m hoping that with time, it will help me own the space I take up in-between the binary.
In addition: My clever friend Christina said, the way you look shouldn’t change the way people treat you, but it does and it’s nice to honor what’s on the inside with what’s on the outside. It helps other people communicate with me in the way I best know how: directly. It cuts a lot of the small talk and the gristle from the conversation. I think the shaved head indicates the intensity and dark humor within me, my thick skin. So that’s what I’m trying to honor at this turn in time.
I want to tell you a few things I’ve noticed since shaving my head which are fun and positive and make me feel grounded:
You know when you are crossing the street as a pedestrian and you can feel the eyes of the drivers waiting at the red light watching you cross? Since shaving my head, I’ve found my steps are a little steadier. Not faster or stronger, but less wobbly than before.
Whenever I do my stupid little man dance moves it feels sooooooooo much better. I can feel the release of tension in my shoulders like never before.
Look at this MEAT HEAD. Stupido, hot and dumb! That is also the vibe. But I’m working on surprising people with my wit, so it’s actually kind of fun.
Work work fashion baby!
I don’t know that this specific buzz cut is going to last forever - it’s very serious. Sometimes I look like an eighteen year old who just enlisted in the army. I do miss pulling my hands through my hair with more levity. But I super appreciate the minimal maintenance it requires. The last couple of weeks leading up to this, I was realizing I just CANNOT be bothered with my long hair anymore. Buzz buzz, now I can go off and play games and dress up and do my business with no distractions.
This shaved head look is all about the eyes! It can be very striking. Sometimes I feel like I’m bearing into the back of someone’s skull and I don’t know how to escape. Eyes are my go-to flirt anyway and now I’m like fuuuuuuuuuck. Okay I guess we are going into hot mode. Time to be hot and serious !
Well, maybe I’m just fucking goofy and there’s no way around it. But I’m going to try my best to respect the gravity of my masculinity with thoughtful style and see where that intersection leads me.
ps thrilled for silk scarf season
pps I did fully copycat this hairstyle from @annikazion who’s an influencer in Munich, DANKE SCHÖN MEINE LIEBE!!! Go follow her on insta or tiktok, she is queer and hot and funny and talks about women’s sports and is the influencer I will never be. So go give her your euros with a follow and learn some German along the way.
I’m so sad, but it is time. This is the end of Feast. I’ve had so much fun these last five months, how time flies! I’ve learned SO MUCH, truly this has been life changing. Thank you, my lovely readers and friends, far and wide. Thank you for sticking with me and being along for the ride. Thank you for being kind. I couldn’t have done it without you :) I hope you have had fun reading and learned something about yourself as well!
I don’t know what lies ahead for me and you and us, but goodbye for now :’). I will try to use this substack for the occasional update. You know I cannot resist expressing my feelings! We’ll just have to see what the next outlet for them is. Let me know if you have any ideas and please keep in touch on instagram, or email or phone or owl or snail mail, you know where to find me.
Cheers!! I’ll see you on the flip side, motherfuckers.
<3 <3 <3 <3
a mostly misc production